When Daddy started his decline last summer I was so sad and scared and helpless and I started making the hearts, over and over and over. I had a lot of anticipatory grief and Daddy was in Texas and I was in North Carolina and it is just what I did.
Later in the fall, the last time Daddy was in the hospital it was clear that he had started his work of dying. I was crying and he was in physical pain. I don’t remember any of the words before or after, but he told me he loved me as much as I needed him to. It would be a few weeks before he died and the anticipatory grief would become right-now grief but the whole time it has been hearts hearts hearts.
Then last week I realized that there is something in those hearts about the connection I had with Daddy - so many sizes and shapes and colors of love. It occurred to me that I could put pictures of those hearts up on Instagram as a kind of grief visual art thing, so that is what I did.
Instagram got cranky about how many images I posted that first day but it seems to be worked out now and the #Iloveyouasmuchasyouneedmeto project is online. It is me trying to make sense of what is normal and inescapable but never expected. And I still tear up and get sad but I like that all those hearts are out there.
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